ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
and this one
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM