My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Check out the legs on this baby
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.