“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
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I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.