HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.