[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
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It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.