And then there were 4
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…