You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds