Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.