[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Batman v Dracula
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.