Stonehinge
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
A man of commitment.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people