*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I unironically love this joke.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Always 🥴
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?