[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
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The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
#winning
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
For the ones in the back.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!