me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
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[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE