That’s easy for you to say
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So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.