Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?