hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
next question.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.