Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
me: I鈥檓 gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
me: why鈥檇 you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it鈥檚 my eyes isn鈥檛 it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they鈥檙e hazel
cop: so mysterious
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it鈥檚 not a designer purse if I don鈥檛 know how much it costs
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob鈥檚 Wife鈥檚 Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
馃馃敟馃馃敟
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Bootstraps
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[1st Row at Beyonc茅 Concert]
Beyonc茅: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] 鈥quirrels?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I鈥檓 saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he鈥檚 37.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter鈥檚 greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 馃槧.
Parents: Don鈥檛 play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here鈥檚 a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.