“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
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Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name