Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
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If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
my nickname in college
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here