HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.