Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
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“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb