[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.