ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Guys, I found it.
For the baby who has everything
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt