You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
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Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Meowchelangelo
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread