Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
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The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
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[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
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A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
how long have you had this for?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig