what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
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My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?