When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Catercrombie & Fish
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
This headline is a thing of beauty
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!