Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands