Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
You Might Also Like
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Netflix: We have Less
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
#Caturday
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!