Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
You Might Also Like
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.