Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
broke down and did it
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …