Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
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I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Pringles
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.