If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Not all heroes wear capes…
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!