Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
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I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.