A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
peeping toms
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo