First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.