Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
You Might Also Like
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment