Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
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me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.