I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.