ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
You Might Also Like
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
no one likes gloating
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).