“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
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I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
oh my gosh!!
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Dyslexics are teople poo!
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.