Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
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I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Said the murderer.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot