I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
This is sending me to another galaxy
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD