Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
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I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.