ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Hot hot hot 🥵
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?