I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
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Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*