White parent Vs Arab parents
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Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
live long and prosper!
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back