love it when they get my name right
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“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Um … Hot Wings please
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”