I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE