Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Put my back out twerking in the library again